First off, stop stealing from me, haters. Stop copying my beeps, my scents, my pumpkin, my sounds. Try originality sometime, instead of your pathetic Ed Shepp Idea Abortions.

I made orange and crowns popular.

If you can't cope with your fascination with me, go jump rope or bake bread, don't obsess over me! You're neither the first nor the last to develop an Ed Shepp fixation. Don't let it control your life. Seek professional assistance. Check out the self-help section in your local bookstore under "How to Not be an Ed Shepp Vampire."

I have it on good authority that "Ed Shepp Obsession" is a legal psychiatric diagnosis in New York, Florida and California. No, I am NOT pimping for any pharma company!

NO, I will NOT "tutor" you "privately" about "light bulbs" or "orange pie," so "stop" "asking" me"!"

I'm often referred to as the Magic Pumpkin Supermenagerie of the Gods.

If I don't acknowledge you on the subway or on the street or don't respond to your comments, don't burn effigies of me and put up posters everywhere and throw a bunch of cats down the well. It's not all about you, honizzle. I don't look at people on the street because if I looked at everyone who was gawking at me, I wouldn't have time to breathe. If I responded to everyone's comments or phone calls, I wouldn't have time to blink. Maybe someday you'll understand what it's like to get so much attention that you can't respond to it all. I didn't ask to be the focus of the world's fantasies--I just am. If I could give you all a candy that would make you stop thinking about me, I would. Because it's not fair to you. But that's the spoon, baby. I've tried to be ordinary. I've tried to be banal. I haven't the knack. The point: No, I'm not TRYING to get your attention (even though you're trying SO HARD to get myne--desperate much???), so don't think that I owe you something when you make that tongue-through-your-fingers gesture. Yeah, I mean you, bank tellers of the world.

I make award-winning corn pone and felt underwear sculptures. If you want my corn pone, ask your neighborhood upscale grocer. They'll know. And if they don't, they don't have the right to wear the name grocer. Or Grover, for that matter. Next to my sounds and my orange, my corn pone is my life, so if you're part of the corn pone community, drop me a line. I don't bite, except when I'm wearing my fronts. If you get into the inner circle, you might just get into corn pone heaven. (No, I'm not talking about light "bulbs," dirtymind!)

Pumpkin peace,
-Evaldquist DJ Applefresh Tecnarine Shepp

recording stuff, playing with my voice, playing with other bits, watching House, making metaphors containing the word abortion, daydreaming different hair colors, being intense, sitting around, gallavanting, appreciating orange, making the sex without touching, inventing neologisms, other gisms, orgasmology, frottage, crowns, mythmaking, green poo, listmaking, avoiding nausea

Dead Palestinian Girl, Yoko Warhol, Electric Tampon, Staten Guyland, Ravelon

Wild Strawberries, Scary Movie 3, Dangerous Liaisons, Romance, Basic Instinct, Bring It On, Showgirls, Let Me Die A Woman

House, Drawn Together, Seinfeld, Scrubs, The Simpsons, The Golden Girls, Wonder Woman, The Bionic Woman

Against Love: A Polemic